I can't love.

This defense mechanism has formed of its own self, somewhere in my unconscious. It cuts me off from all society, prevents me from letting go.

No matter how much the other person does for me, be it a friend, or a sibling, or a cousin, or whoever--I feel nothing. Yes, I am grateful that I have them in my life, and yes, I try to reciprocate the gesture. But I find no meaning in the task.
Sometimes it drives me crazy. I try going to all extremes, try to somehow let them in. But I can't. I just can't.

I spent all of yesterday night analyzing and typing up my muddled thoughts and emotions, trying to straighten them out. I'll post it here after some editing. Maybe it'll help someone. Or maybe it'll help me. Or maybe it won't. Whatever.